The Emotions of Job Loss
Why Dealing With Your Feelings Can
Help You Land Your Next Job

Losing a job is traumatic. In fact, it’s one of life’s five major traumas. Why? Because our work, to a large extent, defines our self-esteem.

Whether your company downsizes or your dot.com runs out of money, when you lose your job, you can fall into an emotional tailspin that leaves you feeling blindsided, shocked, enraged, and disoriented. Your self-esteem takes a big hit, and you think, “This can’t be happening to me. I loved my job. I’ve been a loyal employee.” I speak from experience. I’ve lost my job twice.

For many of us, the feelings are almost too painful to endure as we begin a turbulent ride on the emotional roller coaster, a series of clearly defined feelings that we typically experience in response to any one of life’s five major traumas: death or serious illness; divorce; job loss; financial crisis; and moving.

All five traumas involve loss and are associated with the successive feelings of shock, denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. This process was first identified in the groundbreaking research of oncologist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross when she defined the range of emotions that her seriously ill and dying patients experienced.

The first time I lost my job, my initial reaction was to send out hundreds of resumes. My frantic efforts and chaotic mindset left me feeling paralyzed and deeply depressed. I was in and out of denial. Shame compounded my burden. I couldn’t eat or sleep, but months passed before I admitted that I needed help.

Finally I sought a counselor, who helped me to realize, first, that my job loss was indeed a legitimate trauma and, second, that significant research has shown that the feelings associated with job loss are the same as those associated with death and dying. I was tremendously relieved to learn that what I had been experiencing was normal.

My counselor taught me to embrace recurrent denial as “the shock absorber of the soul,” a way to process reality one-step at a time. As I began to understand, experience, and accept all of the normal negative feelings, the depression started to lift; but it was only through welcoming rather than pushing away both my situation and my feelings that I was ultimately able to travel from denial to acceptance.

The second time I lost my job, I again felt angry, depressed, confused, and ashamed; but this time I didn’t crawl into bed or comfort myself with food, drink, impulse shopping, or a frantic job search. I got on the emotional roller coaster and let it take me where I needed to go.

During this time I began a routine that helped me deal with the full gamut of my emotions. Daily I set aside a period of time to process all of my feelings in an uncensored manner. I freely accessed all the anger, tears, and rage. When the time was up, I stopped for the day. By regularly allowing myself this time, I was able to work through all my feelings more effectively, more efficiently, and in six weeks rather than over several months. I was good to go. My energy and enthusiasm returned.

I took a hard look at my career and inventoried my true gifts, abilities, experiences, expertise, successes, and especially the lessons I had learned. I revised my personal and professional goals and realized that I wanted out of Corporate America. I decided to go into business for myself, and I never looked back! This clarity came only because I hadn’t suppressed my feelings. I had done the work and had gotten rid of all the emotional baggage that had previously kept me angry and unproductive.

Soon I realized that the two job losses were the best things that had ever happened to me. They had pushed me out of my comfort zone and had given me the opportunity to redefine myself and to develop a second career that truly used my ability to offer love and service to others. [or loving service]. What a Gift!

Over the years of coaching others, I have learned that the sequence of feelings associated with loss is not fixed, nor does each individual inevitably experience each of the five feelings. Moreover, we may regress. The good news is that each time we achieve acceptance, we stay on that step longer, until soon we stop revisiting prior stages, and we instinctively know that we’re good to go.

There are two priceless lessons that my experiences have taught me. First, the way to turn job loss into future success is to embrace the entire traumatic process and to stay on the roller coaster until acceptance truly comes. Second, we need to ask ourselves, “What gift or opportunity does this loss offer?”

During the last several years, the ranks of the unemployed have swelled. Our government projects a continued soft economy with an unemployment rate of 6.2- 6.5% for 2004. Too often, unprocessed anger and frustration lead to lack of perspective and ultimately to impulsive decision-making and poor choices. Thus it is essential to understand the importance of dealing with emotions.

Not processing our emotions can have major consequences.

Outrage, disappointment, and anger that aren’t fully experienced, expressed, and accepted can become displaced and toxic over time. We may act out in ways that hurt others and ourselves.

Chaotic job search efforts may leave us feeling exhausted and emotionally depleted.

Depression weighs us down. We may isolate ourselves or seek comfort from excess food, drink, or spending.

Our interviewing skills suffer. We carry sadness and anger with us. We’re restrained and appear disinterested. Then we wonder why we are not invited back for a second interview.

Not everyone has the time, money, or insurance coverage to obtain personalized help. Most of us have to go it alone. Over the years I have formulated a coping plan that really works. I know that it can help you.

This nine-point action plan will help you to deal with job loss.

Devise a master plan. Commit it to writing. Find an “accountability partner,” someone who will make sure that you follow through on your plan.

Daily, for a set amount of time, allow your feelings to surface. Don’t censor yourself. If necessary, put a pillow over your head and scream. Buy a Nerf bat and let your bed have it. Go for a run. It’s healthy to release your anger constructively. You’ll be more efficient, effective, and steadfast if you get your emotions out of the way each day before starting to work on your job search. But when the allotted time is up, STOP.

Regularly share how you are handling your feelings and how your job search is progressing with your accountability partner and/or with someone who has successfully undergone a similar experience.

Daily spend only four to five hours working on your job search. Networking, cold calling, and targeting companies is hard work that requires an upbeat approach to be effective. End your workday before you get burned out.

Regularly get out of yourself. Ask your partner/family, “How are you doing with my job loss?” Inclusiveness connects you to others. It keeps life balanced and reality-based.

Daily do something for someone else. Clean the garage, drive the carpool, or volunteer at a shelter. Altruistic activity gets you out of yourself, restores balance, and keeps the home fires burning just a bit brighter. It reassures you and others that you are present and viable and that you actively care about them.

Regularly communicate with your partner/family. Briefly share your feelings and make a weekly progress report. Keep it simple. Avoid drama.

Weekly take time to write a gratitude list that reminds you of all the good people and experiences in your life. It’s amazing how this step will give you perspective in a post-September 11 world.

Take the weekend off. If you followed the action plan all week, you worked really hard.

Now give yourself time to rest, recharge your batteries, and trust that God and the Universe have a plan for you.